I have been a Dad three times yet I’ve never met any of my children. No I didn’t put them up for adoption or fall out with their Mother, I have been through three miscarriages, the latest is still quite raw.
One of the things I have noticed in this process is how often this subject is taboo, how often we don’t talk about it. It’s not until you miscarry that you realise that many others have been in the same boat as you, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The statistics for a recurrent miscarriage (three or more) drop to 1% and while there are some options should there be medical reasons for these miscarries there is little that can be done for the emotional pain.
I guess I write this blog in the hope that if there is someone else out there with the same pain and frustration, that we can journey together. If that is you, you will get through this – there is light in the dark and there is still hope. I will be honest with you, I have cried out to God, asked Him why am I praying for one thing and He gave me another, why does His word say that a father, when his child asks, doesn’t give him a scorpion if he asks for bread (Luke 11), yet I have asked for a child and He seems to be taking them from us. I have sat there in tears as I think about all the times people have said what a good Father I would be yet God seems to be holding this back. I too have prayed for my wife who has been battered by the pain of loss and disappointment, I have even watched her on the side of the road miscarry our child. I can’t tell you how painful it is to watch the one you love in such pain and have no control over it. I have shaken my fists, listened to countless stories of others who have ‘made it’, received the awkward look as people realise you have miscarried again.
Please don’t mistake this for a rant of self-pity, although that has been there too, please hear this as an honest account of the emotions and frustrations in the hope that that someone out there will resonate and know it’s ok, it’s ok to feel that way, it’s ok to ask God why, and it’s ok as a man to cry.
Through it all I have heard God’s still small voice say ‘it’s ok I have you and Kate’. He has guided me to the cross and as I’ve looked He has helped me realise that He knows the pain of loss, He knows the pain of losing a Son. As I have sat there at the cross I have seen a Jesus who entered into the pain of death, into loss, into futility and hurt. He has not run away or simply told me to man up and get on with it. He knows and He says never will I leave you or forsake you, that this is not condemnation but that your suffering is producing something far greater in you than you can imagine, that ultimately suffering is not futile, that it has purpose and that He is going to walk with us through it.
It makes me smile to think that my three children are waiting for me in heaven, that I am a Father, I’m just yet to meet them. When I do I will be their Father forever, God will be our loving Father even in the mess. I look forward to seeing him face to face, to receiving his hand as it wipes away the tears and all will make sense. Till that time I refuse to give up hope, keep fighting the good fight of faith.

Weird supernatural event or trick of the mind?
Demonic activity or innocent fun?
Does it really matter either way?
Whatever side of the fence you sit: belief in the demonic or explained away happenings of the ouija board.
As a Christian there is a very real danger and risk. Over the last number of weeks yet another film has been released where the star of the show is a Ouija board. For those who don’t know the so called board game is believed to be able to contact the dead and relay information back from the grave. The age old quest to know what happens after death is aroused by the promise of answers through this ‘telephone box’ of the dead.
Some years ago my life was turned upside down by this dark game and I was moments away from death on a railway line in Surrey, you can read more about that in my testimony book Out of Darkness. http://www.eden.co.uk/shop/out-of-darkness-pb-4252388.html I was possessed, a middle class white Surrey boy was taken over by the demonic. However, the thing that intrigues me now looking back is there were three of us who went through this dark episode of the occult game ouija and now as adults some years later, there are three different responses. There’s one who completely denies it ever happened, that it was all made up in our minds, there is one who knows it happened but hasn’t quite worked out why and then there is me, convinced it happened and convinced that Jesus rescued me from my dance with the devil. Why is this important to you? Why does it matter?
I think these three responses will represent three likely responses you will get as a Christian when you talk about the occult and when you talk about the Gospel. One of my favourite films, The Usual Suspects had the line “the greatest trick the devil will ever do is convince the world that he didn’t exist” and that’s where the mystery of the ouija operates, you can explain it away, since the dawn of creation Satan has been heard to say “did God really say” to give us doubt in God. You see, that is the real danger and the real question, not whether the ouija board is real or not but is God real.
My fear with this new film is that the devil will either convince the audience that the supernatural is make believe or that it’s real and you should follow his path.
I could list you out case studies of demonic activity through ouija boards, I could probably fill several articles with them. I could tell you of a time when a girl with demons inside her looked me straight in the eyes and in a different voice told me to leave her alone, others who have watched horror films and invited evil into their lives and been near to suicide, or about a house plagued by physical throwing of objects. However my greater desire is to ask you that question does the devil exist? If he does what is he doing?
If we go back to the first encounter with the devil in the garden (Gen 3) then we see his first action is to cause doubt, his second action is to question the goodness of God.
While we dress the devil up in a red outfit in horns he wins a subtle mind war convincing the world he doesn’t really exist. While we dress him up in a cloud of darkness with huge power he has won another mind war convincing people he has the answers that we too can have access to that power. The Ouija is just one way that the devil offers the deception of power of the knowing what lies beyond the grave.
All the while the one with the true power, the one who truly exists above all, enters humanity to die upon a cross to defeat the powers of darkness, to offer his goodness and the answer to what is beyond the grave. For those that see and love this truth there is everlasting joy. For those who don’t, there is an eternity with the deceiver. There is a darkness but there is an even greater light and it shines brightest in the dark!